Whilst living in Edinburgh I have never seen a forkytail, I haven't found one in my flat (bet I do now), I've never seen one outside or anything like that. But the moment I go home to Shetland, oh by god do I regret it when I see the forkytails.
I don't like bugs, or creepy crawlies, spiders or anything like that, as a whole, I hate them. And where I am from in Shetland seems to be in abundance of all of them. But I don't know, spiders I can deal with if they aren't within about ten feet of me, and even then the tiny ones don't bother me (as much).
But forkytails, the mere mention of one even so slightly as possibly being in the same area code as me gives me the creeps. It's as though they have some sort of a plot to kill me, the moment I see one I just want to vomit. I don't know where the fear comes from, maybe it comes from always finding them in the strangest places as a child, maybe it's because they move so quickly, I do not know.
I just always feel like they are trying to get inside me somehow, to eat me from the inside. THAT IS THE PLAN. I have evidence!
Evidence A: One time when I was a child, I went to go and put my foot into a show, a trainer probably to go outside and play or do whatever a kid does when she's happy and not suspecting a cunning plan from forkytails to be happening. I looked down before I put my foot into the shoe, and there it was. In all it's forkytail glory. In. My. Shoe. It was clearly going to crawl up me and get inside somehow!
Evidence B: Okay if that wasn't enough to convince you. THERE IS MORE! Once upon a time again at an innocent age, I was probably only ten or eleven, and I was sitting downstairs in my house watching Saturday morning television when it happened. I was eating a bowl of frosties as children do, and I looked down into my bowl and saw, this:
Hi, I'm a forkytail and I'm going to kill you.
So I did what anyone would do under that situation, I screamed at the top of my lungs and ran upstairs to get my mam, not caring if I was dragging her out of bed (I do this quite a lot later on in life, she will find out this is only the beginning) and made her come downstairs and get it. But the problem was when we got downstairs it wasn't in the bowl anymore it was making its escape after being caught! Luckily we found it scrabbling across the floor, well I say 'we' I mean, I was standing on the stairs screaming my head off, my mam found it and killed it.
So, this summer I went home for two weeks and I had forgotten that summer time appears to be 'forkytail season' in Shetland. Oh did I not know what I was letting myself in for. After a few days of being lulled into a false sense of security that there weren't any around, I went into the kitchen one night to turn the kettle on.
And I saw the worst sight, I have ever seen in my life. I've drawn a totally size accurate picture.
Hi, I waited a few years and now I've brought some friends back to kill you.
At first I only saw the first two, and screamed just at that, but then I turned and saw the third one and ran screaming out of the kitchen almost in tears and I was like "Mam mam please you have to do it there's forkytails in the kitchen..." and she got up and wasn't very happy that I was acting like a blubbering two year old. I remained in the living room for five minutes before walking into the kitchen still in tears like, "Did... did you get them?" and she was like "YES SARAH. Calm down."
I tried to forget about it, tried. But later on that night when my mam asked me to go down and call the cat in as she was outside, and she's old now so it's not so nice to keep her outside all night, I walked downstairs in my pyjamas and bare feet. This was a mistake. I opened the door and called my cats name into the wind to no avail. Whilst I was waiting I happened to glance across at the wall in my garden, a mere two feet from the door and saw a huge forkytail walking down it. It was a windy night, it could easily blow off the wall and straight onto me! Unlikely but TOTALLY POSSIBLE.
Then I looked down, and mere inches away from my BARE feet. Was spiders legs, a spider was trying to get into the house. Oh god. I slammed the door shut as fast as I possibly could and legged it upstairs where I wrapped myself up for the battle that was about to commence.
I am so onto you, forkytails.
So prepared for what was coming, I marched downstairs confidently, thinking the moment I saw one it was going to be smooshed under my winter boots and I would be OKAY. Nothing to worry about AT ALL.
I didn't even make it to the door. I got down the stairs, saw a forkytail crawling it's way across the hall and spent about five minutes working up the courage to try and squash it underneath my boot but what if it got inside? What if somehow there was a hole in the bottom of my boot and it got inside and thus got inside me and maybe that was the plan all along?! I couldn't do it. In tears of fear and frustration I ran upstairs and threw open my mothers door, she couldn't believe I was such a baby.
But I know they are out there, they have failed so many times but they are out there, waiting to get me. Just waiting. I know it.
EDIT// Okay so when my mam read this she said she liked it but apparently I made it sound like she 'loves' forkytails. So I decided to clear this up. My mother hates them just as much as I do (she just happens to be a bit better than me at dealing with them). But don't get me started about the time she found one in her bed...
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